The Art (or Lack) of Smoking a Cigar

Step 1: get cigar. In other words, call whoever's cigar box you're rummaging through, ask which is the cheapest, least-valued cigar, and apologize in advance for the likely waste of said cigar.

Step 2: bite off round end of cigar. Bite?!? OK, I tried this and it really didn't work. Not at all. Instead of a clean chop through the thing, I got pieces of brown paper all over my mouth.... not so pleasant. I tried this technique twice more, to no avail. What was I doing wrong??

Step 3:  while picking bits of cigar paper out off your tongue, find scissors and cut the by now gooey cigar end.  Why am I doing this again?

Step 4:  light cigar.  aka go through 9 matches before bringing out the torch-sized lighter, which does a pretty sufficient job. 

Step 5:  enjoy cigar, while remembering not to (cough cough. ooops) inhale.

As you can probably guess, this was my first time at preparing a cigar to smoke, and it obviously didn't go so smoothly.  I'll have to seek instruction from someone who, say, has worked in a cigar shop before attempting this again.  Or maybe I should just steer clear of cigars instead.